When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?