God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.