Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!