I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*