Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.