Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
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When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Why I divorced her.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out