pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
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My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.