when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
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HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Passed by a old school Math example today.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can鈥檛 take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it鈥檚 just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
if you do what you love you鈥檒l never work a day in your life because you鈥檒l be unemployed
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I鈥檝e always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates鈥檚 funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
馃槀馃槀
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that鈥檚 shrek
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: I鈥檓 a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can鈥檛 sleep*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I鈥檓 starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it鈥檚 2019 and we shouldn鈥檛 have to work so hard to be bored.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.