One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.