just got my engagement photos
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Not now. I’m deglazing.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.