If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
You Might Also Like
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
OKAY DAD
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*