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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me too 😆
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer