trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.