Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
lmfao
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.