Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.