waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Ooops wrong house😂😜
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
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