The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday