Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
No chill.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.