me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
peep davidson
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Leaving the Barbers like
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”