We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.