People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I wish I were this cool 😂
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.