[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
hackers play passwordle
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools