Previously On Persistence 😎
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teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.