German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”