The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.