*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You Might Also Like
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
was Jim off killing horses or…
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*