After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Hello Twits.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.