Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
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Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.