me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
People buying plungers never look happy.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I am a gravy boat captain
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?