A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap