screw you
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money