I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You Might Also Like
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.