“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out