[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!