Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
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*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.