Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.