[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I unironically love this joke.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out