why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store