No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I can fix him.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”