Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots