detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
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My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes