[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: