me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
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I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.