Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy