Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No