Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
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Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.