sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
sin harder.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Realize this:
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”