I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.