[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
☠️☠️☠️
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.