i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…